Tomorrow marks the 2nd anniversary of my dad’s death. When I began this journey of grief, people kept telling me that all the firsts were the hardest – that once I made it through those, it would get easier. For me, the second year has been the hardest. It has been a difficult journey for me.
Just a couple months ago, I realized that I have spent the better part of the year + on my couch. Yes, I went to work, I went to church, I did all the things. But when I realized this, I finally was able to put a name on it. I have been depressed. Most people wouldn’t know. It wasn’t a debilitating depression. I was still laughing, smiling, singing. I was having a good time planning my daughter’s wedding – and it really was a joyous time. But things were missing in those moments (people were missing), and I knew I was about to go through another loss – that of my daughter moving across the country. I didn’t know if I could handle another loss in my life. But it wasn’t that she was getting married and moving away. It was me. I was the one who was lost. I was lost on the inside. I keep saying was…I still am, but I am working out of it now with God’s help.
So here are some things I have learned or been reminded of:
- When people say they are fine or okay – maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. I have been “fine”, but really I have been dying inside. Now, most days, I really am fine. But if I ask you how you are, and I push a little, it is because I really do care and I don’t want you to feel alone.
- Hugs are a salve to a hurting heart. One of the things that has kept me from drowning is the hugs I get on a weekly basis at church. My sweet friends who wrap their arms around me and check in on me – they have been a lifeline for me.
- Vulnerability can be the beginning of healing. When I finally started talking and acknowledging where I was in my heart, I had a friend who started me making lists of things that hurt in my life. It was painful…but it set me on the path to healing.
- We can’t do this life alone. True, we need friendships. We need those people in our lives that we can trust, talk to, lean on. But more than that, we need the one true companion – Jesus. He alone can give us the peace that passes all understanding. He is the Comforter, the Life-giver. So, I need to be persistent in my relationship with Jesus. I need to read His love-letter to me over and over, and I need to share my heart with Him and let Him share His heart with me.
- Staying involved in things, at least for me, has helped. I didn’t have a choice but to go to work. But I found myself doing just enough. I had assurance, while still singing at church, that I believe the words I sing and say in the depths of my soul.
- Grief isn’t a “one size fits all” deal. My journey will never look like someone else’s journey. So, allow people their journey…but don’t let them bury themselves in it for long. Stay persistent with them.
I am doing okay these days. I am coming out of the dark night and I am thankful that God has sustained me. I will close with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:
“I Then Shall Live” by the Gaither Vocal Band
I’ll walk with joy to know my debts are paid.
I know my name is clear before my Father;
I am His child and I am not afraid.
So, greatly pardoned, I’ll forgive my brother;
The law of love I gladly will obey.
I’ve been so loved, that I’ll risk loving too.
I know how fear builds walls instead of bridges;
I’ll dare to see another’s point of view.
And when relationships demand commitment,
Then I’ll be there to care and follow through.
Your power and glory, let them shine through me.
Your Hallowed Name, O may I bear with honor,
And may Your living Kingdom come in me.
The Bread of Life, O may I share with honor,
And may You feed a hungry world through me.
**By the way, I still have my dad’s number on speed dial – and I call it on occasion. Maybe one day someone will answer. If they do, I will tell them about the man who’s number they now possess – that he was a lover of Jesus. I will tell them that I have prayed for the person who gets my dad’s number one day, and that I hope their life goes well. Then, I will tell them that I am taking their number off speed dial so they don’t think I am a completely crazy person.
Learning is a Journey 